My Super Powered Wife

There are many things I have learned about myself since getting married:
- I am not that handy when it comes to fixing or putting things together. I helped (when I say helped, I mean I watched, screwed a few obligatory screws, sliced the wife's crazy good banana bread) our friend Larry install six fans and four other lights as well as two chandeliers. I was almost as helpful as a sprinkler in the rain.
- Cooking with charcoal is different than gas. I have burned two ears of corn and six hot dogs adjusting to change from gas to charcoal. And someone needs to write those jerks at Kingsford and help them get a realistic definition of the phrase "matchlight"
- I enjoy eating at home.
- I am quickly becoming quite the doggy daddy - although I was not about to grab whatever people food he snuck in tonight while my wife was gagging him like rotten eggs without a hitch. Just nasty.
- Her old towels get used. My old towels get used too. As rags, things to wrap glass in and a safety net in case the dog hurls on the nice bedspread. Awesome.

One more thing I have learned. My wife is has super powers. Besides the fact that she bakes and cooks better than that Italian girl with the really big head on the Food Network (channel 51, thank you cable). My wife can do one thing than I never expected. She has the ability to change pronouns!

Who knew, right? For example...

- She got a gift certificate to a store today as a wedding present. Well, WE got it but they delivered it to her. I told her she should check the store out to see if there is anything she might want to buy. She corrected me. She became "we." See? She can change the pronoun.
- I asked her if she had some more "thank you" cards to write. She handed me an empty stack of cards and envelopes and said, "Yes, we do." See, again, she to we. I am learning so much so soon.

Things my lovely wife has learned.
- Her husband sounds like a rusty steak knife being scraped across tin foil when he sleeps. He blames it on allergies.
- Her husband is having trouble kicking his snooze button habit. When she is not looking, I add another eight minutes onto simple household chores, just to get my fix.
- Her husband takes very, very long poohs. I am what you may call a bathroom reader. It comes from years of seeking solace in the potty. I am the youngest of three boys and one sort of crazy mom. The bathroom was the only door that locked in my house. So, hard habit to break. It is sort of problematic because she can sort of do some incredible whirlwind visit to the pot. Amazing, actually. She poops like a calculator. I poop at about the speed of an abacus.
- Her husband shifts and moves around a lot at night too. In the process of the moving, I have a way of hording all the blankets. I believe the technical term is "blanket hog." I prefer "nocturnal blanket maneuvering."
- She is basically everything I am not - responsible, professional and, well, perfect. I am pretty much the luckiest man I know.

She does burp a little. However, I am quickly learning that about 98% of women are closet belchers. Who knew? Sadly for her, most of my gas sneaks out quietly from the basement instead of the attic. That is another post entirely. Almost one month of marriage and my basic knowledge of the experience can be summed up like this:

My wife is basically a super hero to be married to someone as goofy as me. God's grace is amazing. And so is my bride.

And happy birthday, Ward. We'll always have the corner of the northbound exit onto The Hefner Parkway off of Northwest Expressway.