The Selfish Prayer of a Hypocrite

We had an ultrasound today. Our baby is around 20 weeks along and we are so excited. Today we saw the heart, the backbone, the fingers and thigh bones. We even know what gender our little one is, which will remain a surprise to you until our families know. We also saw the brain. And the little cyst on the brain. Well, we didn't see it. Our doctor did.

Apparently it is a little one and the doctor, a confirmed straight shooter, felt confident it was nothing. It is somewhat common amongst little ones in the womb to have these cysts that go away on their own. Our doctor confessed that both of her children had the same thing. A cyst on the brain. Now, the worst case scenario is a chromosome issue which could mean a slim chance of something like downs syndrome. Our doctor is having us take another ultrasound in two weeks on a better machine with a specialist "just to be sure." But, again, she is sure it is not serious since nothing else from the ultrasound gave them pause.

Well, I know my doctor is sleeping well tonight. I bet the ultrasound tech lady is sleeping good tonight. I won't be. I hope my wife does but I have lingering doubts about that as well. By the middle of the afternoon, I was a wreck. I couldn't focus. All I could think about was my baby with a cyst on its brain.

Usually I have enough faith for something like this. I know, deep down, that it's far from one of those "dark nights of the soul" that you hear about. This is something that will just pass and be fine. But tonight I have a faith deficiency. If it was something about me, something wrong with me, I would have been better. If it was something wrong with my mom or brother or friend I could have been Gibraltar for anyone involved. But since it involves both my wife and my child (that is weird to type) all I can really summon up the faith for is the simple and selfish prayer of the undeserving hypocrite:

God, just make it better. Take it away. This is not one of those heal my impossible-to-heal illness. This cyst removal won't be a miraculous healing to anyone but me and my wife, Lord. But isn't that enough tonight? Isn't it enough to just do us this one solid, this one blessing. We don't ask for much. We have not really come to complain or whine about the house that won't sell or the money we don't have or anything uncertain like that.

Father, I just want my baby to be fine, normal and healthy. And I want my wife to have peace, to feel peace and wholeness. Seriously, God, I don't think that is too much to ask. I have never really been in this odd place and I feel out of sorts with it, Father. I thought I had rock-solid faith of that unshakable variety. But with this, I am wrong. Apparently I do not have brain-cyst faith. And I honestly think that is reasonable.

I am not putting you to the test. I am not doubting or mocking. I am not forcing your hand. I am just simply asking for you to do something for my wife, for my baby and yes, for me, too. God, heal my baby and make the cyst go away and give us a healthy and normal pregnancy. No more speed bumps. No more tears over health and something that honestly really scares me.

I am in touch with your greatness and the hugeness of this entire experience. A baby. I am sober. I understand. You don't have to do something like this to make a point of faith. I don't need to add this to my witness, my testimony. I just want this behind me and a healthy, normal baby.

James says that we don't have because we don't ask. Well, I am asking. God, would you please remove this cyst, that is certainly nothing serious anyway, and give us a few more months of normal, healthy pregnancy? And would you give us a normal, healthy baby?

Honestly, in the grand scheme of what You have brought us through in the past five months Father, I don't think that is asking all that much. And then, I also think it is the biggest, most important prayer I have prayed since April in 1988.

Be our healer and peace tonight. We need our Jehovah Rapha and our Jehovah Shalom tonight. Amen.