Trapped With the Bachelorette

For my wife's birthday, I ordered her this necklace she wanted that she saw on Ellen. Since they have yet to even ship the thing, I am now trying to buy my way out of watching the Bachelorette with her. Cake. Flowers. Nice dinner. Lunch. Not enough to escape watching it. So, since I have to watch it, I will blog about it and share my experience with the two people who read this.

9:15 - We start watching it. She DVR'd it. Praise Allah for the DVR function (side note - Pioneer Cable provides for us not Cox. With Cox you can DVR two shows at one time. Not so with Pioneer. Just one. Although this is the "Wave of the future" according to the third installer guy. I am beginning to think the name is not so ironic as it is accurate. Pioneer. One DVRd show at a time? What is this? The Dark Ages? The Wild West? Bah...)

9:16 - One of the eight dim bulb man-whores on the show just said the following while trekking across Canada on a train (what a great idea for a group date) after passing by a rather small lake: "Is that a lake or an ocean?" Shoot me now. As if that moron wasn't enough, it lead to the following conversation between me and my wife.
Bachelor Dude. "Is that a lake or an ocean."
Craig. Stares at his wife incredulously.
Danielle. "What?"
Craig. "Seriously? You are making me watch these morons? Why would she date them? They cannot even be trusted to sit the right way on a toilet seat."
Danielle. "Well, isn't Canada surrounded by oceans?"
Craig. "Yes. Just like the United States is surrounded by oceans."
Danielle. (it dawns on her) "Oh yeah. I thought it was an island."
Thanks public education and OBU. Thanks a lot. Good thing she is pretty.

9:23 - Robby gets a one on one date on the train. He wears a sharp looking fedora. They promo his date plus some freako who gives her a foot massage. Enjoy that now, sunshine. The massages go the way of the dodo after the "I do's."

9:25 - A rose tonight means she meets the guy's family. Robby is a bartender. He is now tending bar. Anything he can do to get the rose. Including getting her boozed up. A little liquid courage goes a long way.

9:26 - The bachelorette has no hand-eye coordination as she tosses the drink mixer thing all over the train car they are in. They drink their booze and head to a special car with an open area to feel the wind bowl them over. A peck on the cheek. Robby can fall in love with her. Or seventeen other women once this show is over. I am sorry. I am such a cynic.

9:28 - They are going to dinner in the caboose. She likes Robby. Robby talks with his mouth full. He talks about the family curse that keeps his older siblings single. I think curse talk is dessert talk.

9:30 - "Love doesn't have a job." - Robby from the Bachelorette. Move over Confucious.

9:31 - Wes has a secret plan. He is using this show to promote his CD. Shady Wes. Don't you know that you come on this show for the chance of love and THEN use it as a launching pad for professional gain? I don't know what is sillier. The fact that a guy thinks that alienating every woman who watches this show will sell his cd's or the fact that every other guy there is upset with Wes for his alterior motives. Why won't Jillian catch onto to this schemer!!??

9:32 - Robby bores me. I refuse to write any more. Although the other guys are struggling with Robby getting the date. I am struggling with the fact that this show continues to exist on TV.

9:35 - The train is slowing down. Someone may be getting the boot. Jillian talking up Robby. She is wondering if he is someone she would marry. In five or ten years from now. Owch. The train is stopping. See ya Robby. Hit the bricks. Called it. The other guys are watching her boot him off of the train. They cannot believe it. Hope they make him walk home. Should have mixed her a stiffer drink. Boy, talk about a family curse.

9:36 - Jillian is stone cold. Heartless. She says she is not good at it. I think she is. And if she isn't the producers of this show are. That was a memorable moment we will revisit again. One of the other guys is crying about Robby's departure. Crying. I have no words.

9:38 - I don't think Jillian is that sharp. The schemer is working her like a summer job. He may have sold his soul if he actually ever had one. I don't like this show but I know when someone is dark and evil. Even Hitler would be like, "Wes, dude. You are wrong."

9:40 - Jillian tells her that her heart was broken. But scrambled eggs makes it all better. My wife just asked me if the Rockies stretch into Canada. She thought they were just in Colorado. Seriously, Edmond North. Do you even teach geography?

9:41 - Just heard the following exchange.
Idiot #1 - "What do you think of Rocky Mountain Romance?"
Idiot #2 - "Isn't that an ice cream? No wait. That is Rocky Road."
Same dude who asked about the ocean.

9:43 - There is a sign of the first foot fetishist. And then a guy named Kiptyn. Or Kyptin. Or Krypton?

9:44 - Everyone playing hide'n'seek in the woods in the show in show shoes at Emerald Lake. Tee hee. So much fun playing hide and seek. Jake sneaked in a little cuddle! That character!
Please. Shoot me. Now.

9:46 - The moron left on the train is asking the train staff about whether or not he should wear glasses. Train staff dude is giving him advice on love. Always take advice from train ticket punchers when love and celebrity is on the line.

9:55 - I blacked out for a spell there. There was giggling. Cuddling. Drinking. Probly some kissing. Everyone always kisses on this show. The wife confirmed. Krypton got some snuggle and smooch time.

9:59 - I come to just in time to watch one of them drop trow and show him her man panties. Which led to the following quote that needs to be borrowed by the True Love Waits movement:
The Bachelorette. "It is too early. I don't want to see anyone's package." Straight from the New Testament, I believe. Idiot #1, you are now finished in the competition.

10:01 - The Foot Fetishist has rated her feet a 9 and a half. If the toes were painted Mango Mango, they would be a ten. This guy should probably get the axe. The Creepo Meter was off the charts. Last time I felt this way was touring Graceland.

10:05 - The guys are chit chatting. The Schemer reveals his evil plot to get airtime and pub to sell his merch! The guys are beginning to doubt his integrity. And she makes out with the third guy this episode. I hope there is a free clinic for these people to check out this crew. Bartender, two shots of penicillin, straight no chaser.

10:07 - The break dance instructor is talking about roasting marshmellows. He is worried about falling for her. I don't even like the two minutes of chatter that is being forced at me. How can she? Pretty people are thick and dense and it makes me sad. I am the only pretty person with heart, soul, wit and personality. It is my cross to bear.

10:09 - The Schemer and the Foot Fetishist Footsy McGhee are upset that guys are tattling on people who have girlfriends. The Schemer is beginning to talk about his plans. What a tangled web we weave. And there is a narc sighting. The Schemer is proving he is a moron. He is taunting the Narc. He is only there for his pub. The Narc will be confronting the lip tramp, er, bachelorette after the break and our mandatory weekly trip to the hot tub. Where Krypton gets his rose. Yay for Krypton. Breaking Two Electric Boogaloo is upset he missed the rose.

10:12 - Let's just get to the rose ceremony where the producers are bound and determined to keep the Schemer in with Krypton, Breaking Two and Idiot #2. I wonder who will get the last rose. Good bye Footsy McGhee. At least that is my prediction. The commercial pilot is the wild card. Not sure about him. I will now take a Coke Zero break until they get to the Rose Ceremony.

I begged my wife to skip the one on one with Reid (I thought there were only seven or eight? These guys keep coming like bad guys in a Jackie Chan movie). She wouldn't skip it. I had to watch Reid break his ribs while trying to learn how to snowboard. Apparently, Jillian digged that he went for it. More kissing. I think she makes out with David Hasselhoff after the break.

Apparently the boys are jealous of Reid. Which makes America want to root for him. She made a Christmas morning reference to Reid, a Jewish man. Only one thing to make up for such an insensitive anti-semitic statement. More kissing.

Back from commercial. Reid doesn't dig fondue. Reid is minsching all over the place. It's a mitzvah in there. Reid just confirmed Jillian is not his typical type. What he means is, she is a Gentile. And of course she is now totally obsessed with Reid. Bingo. Make that a rose for The Rabbi and Krypton. And I was right. She is giving him the rose. Hava nagila! There could be a wedding soon!

Rose Ceremony. Two down. One to Krypton and the Rabbi each. Who could be next? Oh the suspense. She is talking now. She is struggling with the decision. Five stay. Two go home. She has already doled out two. Tension...Jillian has questions! Holy Cow! Cue the suspenseful music as she asks questions of the young Breaking Two Electric Boogaloo. Age difference worries her. He is in panic stage. He is stating his case. I am not sure how old she is. Maybe 28? 30? He doesn't mind being a young dad. This dude is going a mile a minute. I think his dad used to pitch Micro Machines.

The Narc is sniffing out who has a girlfriend. The Schemer is anxious. Tense music. What to think...

The third rose goes to Idiot #2. He asked her what that red thing was.
The fourth rose goes to The Schemer. Bingo. So far, two for two. You know the producers are BEGGING her to keep him so they can hook viewers in.
The fifth and final rose goes to Breaking Two Electric Boogaloo. Foot Feshisist and Idiot #1 are toast. Who called it, America? Craig did.

Uh oh. Footsy McGhee is perturbed about getting the axe. Lots of cuss words. Apparently the producers saw ratings raise with this creepazoid off the show.

Idiot #1 asks her why he got the boot. I would assume it was when he dropped trow and showed off his BVDs. Idiot #1 cannot believe that he is done. Idiot #1 points out that nice guys finish last. Well, only the nice guys with a streak of exhibitionist. Nice guys keep their pants on in large groups of people, friend. But he warns of this evil Schemer!

Apparently they go from Canada to Hawaii to Spain. And she gets to meet the Schemer's Band. And Idiot #1 returns to sabotage the Schemer. So much to keep up with America. And Jillian makes out with Mr. T and Spongebob Squarepants.

And you can keep up with it. I have Arrested Development reruns to watch.