Walgreens

I do. One of the things you really have to give up, whether you diet or not, is sausage. I miss sausage biscuits and sausage gravy and sausage pizza. But there is nothing, absolutely nothing, about sausage I should eat. It is weird. Of all things to miss because of the diet, I miss sausage.

Well, it passed. Speaking of things passing, Monday night into Tuesday morning I was constipated for the first time in my life. That was the worst I have ever felt ever. I wanted to vomit or have a BM. Something. I was desperate. Regardless of how I laid in bed or sat in the chair, no position was comfortable. Eventually at about 4:30AM, I put on the slippers and drove to Walgreen's to buy some sort of laxative, for relief. I found that they have a rather extensive collection of laxatives. And I don't know about you but I did NOT want to just walk up and ask them which one is best.

Even though I was desperate, I was hanging onto a shred of dignity. I don't know why. It doesn't take a Monk or a Columbo to figure it out. Angry looking young man comes into 24 hour pharmacy wearing pajamas, ratty t-shirt and house slippers. He grunts his way back to the laxatives shelving (which, THANK GOD, is clearly labeled so you don't have to waste time searching or, God forbid, ASK where it is). At 4:30AM. Someone must need to poop.

So I find the liquid stuff that you can take to clean you out before surgery. It promises relief in anywhere from 30 minutes to 6 hours. That is better than the 6-12 hour range that the others promise. I grab it and go buy a bottle of water (need some cool water to rinse it all down). I get to the counter and the one dollar bottle of water and the four dollar laxative ring up to 15 dollars. At that point I didn't care. I was willing to pay it and go. But Trudie decided to figure out what the difference was. Apparently she had rung up a beanie toy and never took it off. So now I have to wait for helpful Trudie to re-ring it.

All I want to do is go home and give birth to this brown baby that is clinging for dear life to my colon. And Trudie is trying to cancel off Froofie the purple bear. AND SHE CANNOT DO IT. She calls Mr. so-and-so up. This has now turned into something wholly awful and embarrassing. I just wanted to sneak in, get the poop-juice and leave. Now we are calling in Mr. so-and-so from the back. And forcing me to switch registers. Dear Lord in heaven...eloi, eloi...

The pain at that point was horrendous. I had trouble walking. Finally she checks me out and I hobble back to the car. I get home and force down the maximum dosage possible (nine teaspoons) and then throw down the water.

About two hours later I do not feel the pain of the blockage. Another hour after that, it happened. This was a purging of Biblical proportions. If I were to turn back and look, I would have become a pillar of salt. This was a mass exodus of EVERYTHING inside of me. I expected Charleton Heston to crawl out of my belly button and raise his arms over my toilet. Unbelievable. And then, finally, about an hour of sleep. Sweet, pain-free, sleep. Then it hit me. That was TOTALLY my chance to get some chocolate laxative thing. Dang it. I could have had chocolate. Go figure.

After a rough and busy weekend, a weekend where food was used to celebrate friendships, I only lost two pounds. That is much better than I anticipated. Those two bring the total up to 98.

So, in all of this experience, I still miss sausage. And only chocolate laxatives from now on.