I have six months to reshape my life. I can do this.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

McKinley Beth

June 21st I will get to meet the strongest little girl.  Her name is McKinley Beth.  And she is my daughter.  I have not yet blogged about her because A) I have not blogged that often and B) I was a little selfish and in a bitter little blue funk about McKinley.  God decided that she should start her life off with some mysterious issues.  So we have this omphalocele quandary to deal with.  Danielle has been so strong and so level and centered the entire pregnancy.  She has been the very center for our family.  I have been the furthest flung planet in the Smith galaxy.  But the past month I have been bringing my focus back around to what is truly  important.  Jackson and I have logged a boatload of daddy/son time. We wrestle.  We talk.  We sing.  And we talk about how he has to be a good big brother for Baby McKinley, since she is "not feeling good."  That is what I say to Jackson.

And I have enjoyed seeing McKinley's room fall into place.  A nice chandelier, a new crib, a great comfy chair, new paint...it is a relaxing place.  You can feel a sense of peace, like just after a fresh rain. A lot of positive ions coursing through there.  Now we are collecting all things cute and many things pink.  Danielle is quickly becoming an omphalocele expert, finding multiple online support groups filled to the rim with mommies who have been through the same waters we are wading right now.  She even made me look at pictures of babies who have omphaloceles, since Baby McKinley's doctor suggested we do it.  So we did.  It was gross.  But I assume when it is my baby girl and her issues, I will be fine with it.  I just want to meet her.  I want to meet my daughter.  I want to see what Jackson is like as a big brother.  Although I would like to get through our "head butting" stage first.  I want to see what Danielle is like as a mom to a baby girl.  I wonder what the differences are being a dad to a little boy and one to a little girl.

I hope that we are not away from our home for too long after McKinley comes.  But if we are, we will be just fine.  I am not as anxious or even as angry as I once was.  Having a sick baby really modifies the way you think about God and Heaven.  Once I worked through my anger, then I worked through a stage where I assumed that this sickness was either mean or arbitrary, either way it sort of tipped me back and forth a bit on where I stood with God.  Now I am at a place of acceptance and of hope.  And peace. 

I just wanna meet her. June 21 we will.