I have six months to reshape my life. I can do this.

Saturday, July 12, 2008

The Creek

So, next week we take the young ones to camp. We are taking them to Falls Creek, the largest youth camp in the world. Throughout the course of the summer, there will be over 55,000 teenagers there. So, it should be a great week. Ropes courses, volleyball, skate park, alpine challenges, great worship, good teaching, great week building friendships. Exciting.

Uhm, only one drawback.

The theme for the week is Graze. Awesome. I am not complaining about the spiritual implications. I am not saying it is weak theology or it doesn't have some dramatic punch. I am sure the committee who decided the theme had great reasons and justifications for choosing this theme.

I hate it. On a personal, selfish level.

I am NOT, repeat, NOT going to wear a shirt that simply says "Graze." As a large man, I do not need that kind of attention. Everyone would see me wear a shirt that says "Graze." Just a LOUSY idea for a big guy. Graze? Really? Why don't I just wear a shirt that says "Buffet," or "Wide Load," or even "El Lardo!"

Why would you ask overweight people to do that? Graze???

This inspires me to ask the same committee to design shirts for other famous people or groups. Here is what they came up with:

- "Crackhead" for Robert Downey Jr.
- "Wino" for your local AA chapter
- a picture of a short bus for Longhorn fans
- "Purger" for whichever Olson twin looks like Karen Carpenter after three bong hits
- "Old Fart" for Brett Favre
- "Washed Up" for Shaq
- "Wasted Space" for anyone who has ever appeared on an MTV reality competition show
- "DUI" for Billy Joel
- "Cripple" for FDR
- "Racist" for Don Imus
- a picture of Michael English for Dave Mac
- "Pooper" for Aaron New
- "Idiot" for Rhett Bomar
- "DLR" for Sammy Hagar

So, I go to camp. Where I will wear a shirt that doesn't come right out and say GRAZE on it. And I will submit about forty other themes for camp next year.

Tuesday, July 01, 2008

Wanted: Babysitter

So, nothing much new here. Just hanging out. Chillin' out, maxing, relaxing all cool. No, wait. That's not right.

My bride is having a baby! Holy cow! How awesome (and somewhat soon) is that!!!??? I have a theory on why it happened so soon.

I hadn't had sex until I was married. I think after over 33 years of that, everything sort of leaned in pregnant's favor. I am really excited though. I have always wanted to be a dad. I am pretty excited.

Here is what surprises and somewhat annoys me about my wife: she is like crazy in tune with her body. She didn't feel good a week ago Saturday so she decided to take a pregnancy test. Affirmative. Preggos. She was even right on target to how far along she was. I asked her what in the wide world of sports made her think to take a pregnancy test in the first place? She said her body didn't feel right. Didn't feel right. Last weekend, while she was hooping it up in OKC with all her friends and family, I was stranded in the Spa City all alone. One night, I slept on the remote to the ceiling fan (yes our fan has a remote...shut it David). And a book (sudoku is pretty addictive) and a pen. And my phone. I woke up the next morning on all of those items.

My wife blinks funny, she knows she is preggos. I sleep on a bed of remotes and books and phones. Nothing. Sometimes I find scrapes and scabs that I never knew I had. I worry that I have that disease which doesn't allow you to feel pain. However, if I can pass that onto my son or daughter, we could possibly start breeding a type of super baby. Well, I digress.

Did you know it costs like 200 bucks to have a baby boy circumcised? When we get to heaven, Abraham better reimburse me. Poor Abraham. Noah gets a rainbow.

So, remember us as we live our pregnant lives. Since Danielle is Dr. Bombay, we are looking at like eight whole months of her being great with child. It will seem like a looooong pregnancy. We also know it is early but I am already figuring out a name. If it is a girl: Eleanor Rigby. If it is a boy: Ringo Elway. Nice, right?

My wife is awesome. She will be a great momma. I hope I can be a good pops.

One final thing: When I told my mom she would be a grandma for the sixth time, she simply replied, "Already?" She sounded genuinely annoyed. Thanks mom. Sometimes, she loves too much.